The Spirit (is me)

Wendy says:
THANK YOU FOR THE CHOCOLATES OMG you are the spirit of christmas personified!1!

<3. Now sleep.

A control freak.

I've got neatly separated social groups. It's how I like things: compartmentalized. It's pretty rare that I've let things get mixed, because you never know what will happen. I was considering inviting Jess to the Solstice tradition event next Saturday, but then I got this nagging feeling of, 'This may yield unpredictable results' and decided to just close the invite window.

When predictability influences your choices, doesn't that make you a control freak? The term 'Risk Averse' comes to mind, but it's not quite right. There are no Risk Premiums for these kinds of things.

Friends.

Lt. Mia says:
Ugh, Jess, should I just quit being in a band already? I feel like I've got too many things and not enough time
Jess says:
no!
its like 30% of your sex apeal

---------

[Anne, who had a car crash, asking me if I can hang out with her during the holidays]
Anne says:
grrrrrrrrr
Anne says:
I almost died!
Anne says:
I deserve some Mia attention

Accident / a Heart not Captured

It's hard not to take it personally when this sort of shit happens.

You're thinking to yourself, "Finally, things are going my way," and that's when it hits. A major roadblock. Or in this case, a major car crash. Broken ribs, punctured lung, but at least he'll be okay, eventually. That is what's important. But it doesn't change the fact that a singer can't sing for a long time after a punctured lung, and the entire reason I left my baby, my project behind, was so that I could join a band that was complete, that was ready to start playing live and recording. What I'll be getting instead now is rent I can't afford and an incomplete lineup (again). I can't help it, really, after everything that's happened in the last 3 years, but to feel like this is personal. The universe conspires against me.

---------

So many times I've wanted to apologize to people and say, "I'm terribly sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm very sorry that I'm not in love with you."

I'm feeling guilty these days in particular for getting spoiled. I've made my feelings and intentions clear, I can only hope there's no clinging to false hope going on.

I have to be careful of the lines I cross.

Killing Zombies, the Ties that Bind

It's my main girl Iza's 27th birthday on Saturday, which I was this close to forgetting seeing as I had made dinner date plans with Ted. I really have to drill this date into my head, November 29, after 6 years of friendship I owe her at least that much.

Iza kicks ass because unlike most girls, she likes the same things I do: video games, zombies, horror flicks, etc. She's got the same wild imagination. And she's a great cook and makes me food!



In a couple of weeks, when this semester ends, we're planning to have a sleepover while playing Left4Dead and Silent Hill all night, then celebrate surviving (or not) the night with crêpes for brunch.

I was thinking of making a video out of the whole experience, but then again, I don't think this is the kind of thing that's very exciting to look at from the outside.

I know my Uses, I have my Pride, but my Heart is still Untamed

As I'm nursing my broken heart and tarnished pride I'm reminded that I've been doing onto others exactly what's being done onto me.

The one I want doesn't want me, and the ones who want me, well....

X says:
because you are ALWAYS turning me down
X says:
you're like the carrot on a string
X says:
alluring, beautiful and undoubledly delicious
Mia says:
so I'm a masochist AND a sadist? this is disturbing news.
X says:
but ultimatly unobtainable

The end of semester stress, the cold and dark weather, it's all contributing to the intensity of how I feel. In 3 weeks, when I'm on vacation, I think I'm going to blow off a shitload of steam.

Obsession and Variations

I haven't had a huge programming project since last spring, so I had forgotten the obsession that takes over me when I delve deep into one. From the time I've poured myself my morning coffee to late at night when I realize I've pushed back my bedtime by a couple of hours, I program almost non-stop. I don't want to stop. There's always more to do. More functions to add, or existing functions to embellish. I've skipped some classes, and some meals, and it's strange to see that, for once, I have to force myself to go to the gym (I tell myself it'll refresh my brain for more programming, anyway).

We're in a team of 4 people for this project but so far I'm the only person who has done any work. Early on I tried to get the other members to choose from a list of tasks, when I didn't get any responses I asked one of them what was up, and all he said to me was, "I don't think the other 2 are going to do much work."

If that's the way it has to be, then that's the way it is. I much prefer do it all by myself than rely on lazy people who will do a shitty job. What irritates me is that they might benefit from my work, because I've always found it impossible to report free-riders.

As a benefit to me, while I'm working on this, all my other 'problems' have pretty much ceased to exist. Nothing is as important as what I am working on right now. But that kind of focus does make it hard to sleep without dreaming of algorithms. Last night I resorted to a Neuro-Linguistic Programming exercise found on resetyourbrain.com, something a friend of mine had told me about a few weeks ago when I told him my brain often has a hard time relaxing.

I'm getting restless as I write all this. I have to finish building a 3d robot, setting triggers, finalizing combat, then implementing items. That's the goal for today.

The trick is to keep breathing

Hold on to this feeling. Keep it close.

My Do-Gooder plans are Foiled!

I've been playing Fallout 3 these days in the wee bit of spare time I make for myself (read: I should be working then too, but don't). I've been trying to be a good person in the game but I've fucked up a lot. I got the first friend I made killed, then found out that also orphaned his son; I tried to free some slaves from bondage but accidentally made their electonic collars explode, etc.

Today in the real world though (which is far less exciting than an apocalyptic world, but it's probably better off that way), I was doing my usual 5km jog around Centennial Park when I came across a friendly siberian tiger-looking cat who rubbed up against me (yay allergies). I knew I'd seen posters up for a lost cat, so I made my way to the poster (about 15 minutes later), took down the phone number, ran home all the while saying to myself "I'll turn down the reward, it wouldn't be right to accept it." I called the guy up and he said, "We found our cat, he came home."

I guess the important thing is that these people found their cat. As for me, maybe I'll go into the slavery business now instead of trying to save them. It'll be for their own safety.

And the Compliment of the Year goes to...

Dan! My new band's guitarist!

I hope you, oh people of the internet who may have stumbled upon this, don't think I fish for these. All I said is I was pissed off at being so busy lately, and that 'I'll never get my abs of steel at this rate'. Dan responded to my e-mail with:

Jesus... do you even own a mirror???
fuck the abs of steel Mia ... you're hot as sin as it is.
a great addition to our band... and we have always been prepared to modify our schedule to accomodate.
this band is all about having fun and kicking ass and so far you seem like a perfect match for the post.

Whew. That's actually a huge weight off my mind. After playing with Mike for a year and a half, I forgot what having understanding bandmates was like.

Cognitive Dissonance

I wish I had been irresponsible every time I had a chance to this weekend. Instead, I missed out on half of all available fun. Somehow I wish having my Macroenvironmental Impact analysis all written up felt more fulfilling.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?
-- Johann van Goethe

roflcopter

I laughed at the message Tracy just sent our little group of galpals about Sunday plans:

"Hey Ladies! Mia came to work and scared the crap out of me yesterday, lol. So we realized that we are due for some Indian food."

Clearly I've got mad ninja skills.

Tracy's the best because for the past almost 10 years now, instead of being confused by my shenanigans, she's been amused by them. I only realized it'll be a decade of knowing each other as I wrote that. I should, like, buy her a star in the sky or something.

When someone else believes in me part 2

I should just make a journal of compliments I receive. Maybe it's vanity, but just feels like love to me.

Mia: Alas when it comes to music, I'm not instinctively good, lol... oh well, c'est la vie

temeriti: Sure you are. :)
You're Mia.
You're annoyingly good at everything.

Someone who believed in me when I didn't.

Mia: This isn't gonna end well...

Adrienne: How do you know you're going to lose before you start playing?
Kind of giving up before trying

Mia: I'm down by quite a few points, darling.

Adrienne: I don't know the score, but I'd bet my money on you.

Vore Diem, baby!

I took the Wen out to brunch for her birthday, which was awesome because Wendy is awesome and one of the absolute smartest people I know.

Only minutes after getting home I got Jess asking me to go to dinner, something I'd promised to do a while back but hadn't gotten around to scheduling.

Jessica says:
pft...you're just being uncooperative
Mia says:
I've been told I am that.
Jessica says:
when a pretty girl offers to buy you dinner shouldnt fight so damned much

Looks like I'm not getting anything done today. Marketing can suck it. And this band that Marc Dude introduced me to, '3', is absolutely fan-fucking-tastic on many levels, just like My Brother From Another Mother.

I'm trying to knock out the sun

What a fucking night.

I left band practice and ran to minimize my lateness as I met Berrt by the Chinatown gates. Without a plan other than to grab a bite, in order to satisfy my longstanding curiosity, we ended up going to the buffet that's located in the middle of the main road. It reminded me of the Chinese buffet my childhood friend Louka and I would go to as kids, no doubt annoying the hell out of the other patrons as we 'stealthed' around playing our spy games. Even the jello tasted the same, pure gelatinous sugar with a thick crust top.

When no more food would go in, I let Berrt know he'd have to take me out for a walk now. I nudged him in a particular direction for about fifteen minutes before he asked, "Where are we going?"
"To the Jacques-Cartier bridge. I've never actually walked on it." He acquiesed in that way that Berrt often does, and we made our way along de La Gauchetière and then up to the bridge's path, the scenery around de Lorimier reminding me of a time three years before when I passed by the area daily to go home to my apartment in the Plateau.

I was taken by surprise, the bridge was shaking under our feet at the passing of cars and trucks, giving the impression that the whole structure would collapse in the event of a big enough rumble. The view was beautiful, the whole glittering city, and we made it above the river. It was getting cold, freezing point, and I was under-dressed for the occasion, feeling this would come back to bite me later on.

We walked for 2 hours and eventually made it back to my car, I drove Berrt to Andrei's and went home. I put on an episode of True Blood and fell asleep around 3am, only to wake up at 7am, unable to fall back asleep, I was coughing and clogged, a cold was definitely upon me. I tossed and turned for an hour, then came online to talk to Ted, whom I knew would be around to sympathize. Around 9am I went back to bed and finally fell into a good sleep, but a sleep full of vivid, fucked up dreams. I dreamt I was sliding down a long peer on a boogieboard, only to find a 300 foot tall wave at the end, coming my way. I dreamt of being in a strange restaurant, serving stranger food. I dreamt that my parents and I were driving along a cliffside and went over the railing, plunging to our 1000 foot doom into the ocean.

I woke up, much later than I would have liked, but still feeling tired. The only good thing was I wasn't coughing anymore. My immune system had probably spent those hours fighting whatever was in me earlier.

Now, shit, I just feel like playing World of Warcraft and listening to Buck 65. I'm doing the latter but I gotta finish my programming assignment, put a nice shine on it so that I get an A. No plans for tonight so I might as well get as much done as I can, since I'm seeing Wendy tomorrow afternoon and Iza in the evening.

When you're Gone

I'm such a sentimental sap, I left this message from Nick open for the past 48 hours just to occasionally look at it:



Nine months have gone by since he left for the other end of the world, and I think of him often. Today, Shivaree's 'Goodnight Moon' comes on my playlist, the jazzy bass riff and the line 'And I always sleep with my guns when you're gone' make me think of him.




It's 2pm already and I have to pack my bags to head to my cottage. I like my parents' friends, so I'm going to go hang out with them for the weekend(well, with my parents too).

You know what? I'm in a Kill Bill kinda mood today.

Whatever that means ;)

"Wonder how can I go on and on
When you want to bury my passion"

Nobody understands the travails of my existence!

David says:
Lol. You're so funny
David says:
"I'm sick of everything... Fuck the world... Except this totally awesome bass riff I wrote"

Studying Memory

Memories are designed to disappear if you don't repeat them, that's why studying involves repetition, learning a song involves repetition, but it's also applicable to anything else you want to remember. For example, the reason I remember so vividly the time I went to Jon's house five years ago on a cool early fall day and we stood around his front door patio talking about Zen and books is because I replayed the memory in my mind several times since.

I've been doing it unwittingly for years, replaying scenarios of my day in my head. Now I'm wondering how I can harvest this technique and maximize my memory. My problem is it's slightly less appealing to actively think of something you're not all that interested in, i.e. Marketing.

Time to read the chapter on 'Business Markets and Business Buyer Behaviour' and then go on a bike ride around Ile-Bizard while thinking of the chapter's key concepts.

Recent Mia Health Statistics

Blood Pressure: 106/71 (Pop. Average: 120/80)
Iron count: 14 (Women Average: 12)
Body fat: 20% (Women Average: 29%)

So my blood pressure has gone up, getting more normal. My iron count was finally not only not 'too low' (as I'd been told previously) but actually above average for a woman. And my body fat went down 1% in the last couple of months, I actually now rank as an 'Athlete' rather than 'Fit' thanks to that.

I need to write this down somewhere where I'll have access to it, so it might as well be here. I asked Alan what he eats in a day. Because Alan, as far as fitness is concerned (and I suppose in other ways) is my hero!

"morning I have oatmeal, natural peanut butter and olive oil, plus a protein shake. throughout the day I pretty much eat peanut butter (natural + with omega 3s) out of a jar. I'll probably have a turkey sandwich at some point (it's my indulgence). pre-workout I have protein, post work-out protein + gatorade. a few protein shakes spread throughout the day. a few fruits (usually apples) if I have any. at night I steam a bunch of veggies and eat with olive oil. at some point I'll have 3 eggs and some kind of animal. for a treat I'll have bread dipped in olive oil and / or a piece of chocolate"

I'm Your 21st Century Cure

I eat healthy, and I exercise a ton. By my calculations, I've got liquid gold running through my veins.

It has been a while since I confronted my fear of needles, since I've last given some of my blood to those in need of it, so I'm going to go downtown earlier today and do just that. I even found my Hema-Quebec card.

I hurt my neck while tossing (or should I say whipping around) in my sleep, it's sore as fuck today.

All these grey days are making me melancholic, as I've spent an increasing amount of time sitting at my desk, preparing to ace my Analysis of Markets midterm next week.

And I don't mind it one bit.

"Now I'm stuck, how I feel, I don't know if it's real"

Every season, or even part of a season, is closely tied to memories in my mind. How I feel is like clothing I wear to match the weather.

There is no recreating moments that are long gone. All I do have are the memories, which, knowing me, I've transformed and romanticized far beyond their original format.

Me, Olivia and Dan. Every night, that was the trio. And then I'd recruit Kierin and we were fucking unstoppable. It was exhilarating, Kierin always kept me on my toes, and we played off of each other, like a precisely calibrated machine.

Feels like I was a different person, in a different place, at a different time.

To be continued, maybe. I have a lunch date to get ready for, my favorite mining engineer is in town for his bimonthly visit.

I'd shank bitches

Mia says:
We'd get in trouble in Thailand, you and I.
David says:
We would?
Mia says:
Sure, it'd be just like that movie!
David says:
Which'n?
Mia says:
Uhh...
Mia says:
Whatsitcalled
David says:
The Beach? Big Trouble in Little China?
Mia says:
Brokedown Palace
Mia says:
The Beach too
Mia says:
We'd find a beach and, uh, get sent to prison.
David says:
Brokedown Palace... that sounds familiar.
Mia says:
Claire Danes
David says:
Ohhh yes.
David says:
Getting sent to prison would suck. In my wilder fantasies we would join a gang and I'd wear an eyepatch and you'd wear superhawt things and shank bitches with your awesome knife skills.
Mia says:
That's fucking awesome lol

Secret Mission

Someone I barely know just put me on a secret mission. She says I came highly recommended.

Anyway, this is just a reminder to myself to fulfill this mission when the time comes.

Slaying the Dreamer

The key to success is being able to shrug off discomfort. Discomfort to me is anything from boredom in class to feeling tired/pain when you've been jogging for a while. Just shrug it off and keep working.

I want to be Queen of High Discomfort Tolerance, but I haven't been fighting hard enough for my crown the past few days. I've been giving in to weakness when it has come to tedious mental tasks.

I can train, physically, for stamina, but the mind is a whole other mess.

FOCUS!
INTENSITY!
NO DYING!

Bla Bla Woof Woof

Things are starting to really take shape!

I've been elected Vice President of the University's Gamers club. And you know me... or, well, maybe you don't, but that's not the point, the point is my friends tell me I'm very 'enthusiastic' about things, and that would include my new position in school governance! More details later.

Talking to my economist friend has made me start playing a game of fantasy stock investments. It'll all be good and fun until I realize how much money I could have made if I had really invested in those stocks (assuming I don't lose the lot of my fake money).

This weekend is nice and busy!

Tonight: Dinner with Marie et Claude, followed by going out to join Peter and Marc.

Tomorrow: Meet Iza for shopping in afternoon, dinner at the Montréalais with the family, then to Katacombs with Iza and company.

Sunday: Chocolate fondu games get-together at Julie's. This is the first time I hang out with Julie directly, as opposed to us being invited to the same place, or taking the same class by accident. Julie seems like a cool chick, so this should be full of win.

Sunday night... Who has time for homework? I gotta prepare for my audition on monday!

I'm wearing my first pair of skinny pants and they're squeezing my enormous muscular calves a bit. Ugh. The things we do for fashion.

I'm off to Analysis of Markets class, but not before stopping by La Croissanterie for a croissant.

On another note, I'm strangely addicted to Slipknot's new album, and this song:



THE RECKONING! THE SICKENING! *headbang*

Very Picturesque Dream

The balcony felt as though it was suspended in the air. We couldn't even see all the way down for all the distance. All we saw was the rock facade of the mountain stretching like a wall before us.

Shit. Shit. Shit. It was amazing. I need to do something to make this dream's image come to life...

But no time! Homework, practice, workouts, meetings! Things are picking up!

I can see Russia from my house!

I love love LOVE Tina Fey! (And Sarah Palin, although I also happen to hate her.)

the Mundane

Oh dear God, what is wrong with me?! I dreamed I was hanging out with Sarah Palin last night. I think Bush was there too.

I got another fucking leg cramp. This must be my 6th or something in the past month? Maybe cause I didn't go to the gym yesterday, so my muscles didn't get any stretch. I don't know.

Marketing is so dreadfully boring. I want to sink my teeth into learning XNA and C# but with Tuesday's quiz I know I should finish my reading, then re-read while taking notes.

This weekend will be pretty boring. Aside from meeting my beautiful and brilliant friend Wendy for coffee tonight, I think I'll just get ahead on all my work so that I can play when the sunshine returns.

Feelings are intense, Words are trivial

monies

Paranoid of forgetting:

I owe:
- 88 bucks to Jon
- 26 bucks to Stuart
- 10 bucks to Faraz

Owed to me:
- 150 from Iza

I think that's all.

Split like an Atom

There is too much demand and not enough of my time in supply. What else is new?

I just can't narrow it down to just one project I want to join. They all have their appeal!

Fuuuuuuck!

But I have to. And fast. Until I do, my efforts will be super split and that's just inefficient.

Strangers and Butterflies

Sounds poetic, doesn't it? But it's a Marketing concept. Funny, I see lyrics and music in all I do.

In which direction?

I went to my cottage with my friends this weekend and all the while contemplated which direction to take with my musical endeavours. Do I... stay as the vocalist in my band with Mike, despite the fact that I find it harder and harder to tolerate his complaints?... Or do I throw myself fully into drum-playing, of which I'm just an amateur now, but love love love playing them, and then join Dush, whose music I enjoy, but am not sure it's heavy enough for my taste? Or will I end up back with my original instrument, bass, joining a metalcore band, the type of music which has won my heart over the past 2 months?

It's a tough decision, and until I make it, I'm not sure where to focus my energy.

Vacation

I'm three quarters through my two week vacation, my first vacation in a year, and feeling great!

I have my trip to Toronto to thank for how I feel. I didn't anticipate it would have this effect on me, considering Toronto isn't exactly an exotic location, but being ripped away from my routine was just what I needed.

There was the 'Living and Breathing as a Unit Effect'. I'm not anti-social by far, but since my last relationship I haven't really spent more than 36 hours with any one person. Compared to some people I know who constantly surround themselves with friends, I appreciate some solitude. I thought I'd be annoyed to have to sleep when my friends slept, eat when they ate, go where they went, but I actually enjoyed it! I was truly sharing the entire experience with them. When I returned home, I missed having them around.

The highlight of the Convention was definitely attending the Q&A panels for some of my favourite actors. Kate Mulgrew was the first, a consumate professional, charismatic, entertaining, not unlike the character she portrayed, and I could have listened to her speak for hours about anything and everything.

Edward James Olmos was joined by Aaron Douglas, who was just standing by the door before the panel, seemingly unnoticed, except by me, giving me the opportunity to smile at him and say 'hi' as we passed by (he seemed caught unaware, and said hi back).

Before Olmos (or 'EJO' as Kevin kept calling him) had his panel, he had spent the weekend on the floor doing signings, and my eyes were automatically drawn to him whenever we passed by. It was difficult not to be in awe of him, of the presence he had. It felt rather like I had a crush. I just wanted to go up to him and talk to him. But then, isn't that the thing about actors? We feel as though we know them, when we don't, and they don't know us.

The panel with those two guys was great. They were laid back, friendly, and genuinely happy to be there. Olmos did most of the talking and Aaron would butt in at the right times to say something ridiculously funny. After the hour was up, they tried to argue 'But we're just getting started!'

I'm not one to usually give a shit about celebrities, but it was rather inspirational to meet these people and hear them speak about their projects. It made me think of what I'm doing and how I'd love to reach a hundredth of the amount of success they have.

I've run out of time to blog for today. After all, I can't spend all my time thinking and writing about what to do. I've got to actually do it!

On that note, I'm off for a jog, and then a haircut.