Remeniscence

I keep having these thoughts about what I should write down in a blog, usually in terms of where I was then in comparison to where I am now, but it's never at an opportune moment.

In August in realized it had been 2 years since I started writing my story, a novel at the time, now the basis for a game - because I certainly know how to take the impossible up a notch!

In July I realized it had been 10 years since I started playing WoW, which sounds stupid to the layman of gaming, but really affected my life for a couple of years. Additionally, that was the approximate time of my first big relationship's end. But I think about WoW more than I think about that relationship, so... ok, let's not over-analyze this.

Now it's my 2 year anniversary of going to visit Paris for a couple of weeks to see my sister. Lots of time spent alone (she was working) seeing beautiful places which ignited the imagination. I was also trying to tackle a second novel, a second story, which a couple months later I realized was just meandering. Still, in the back of my head, I'm always reworking that story. I miss Paris a ton, though. 

When I think of my fitness goals, I like to think my body composition has improved a lot over the last 2+ years of following my trainer friend's advice. My number on the scale might've been lower last year - it came up this year when I bulked for several months - but I think I might be just as lean but with additional muscle.

Which is good cause I want them shoulders:

I don't do cross-fit but... Camille gives a good goal.

Being 32, going on 33, it's funny. When I was 27 and in a band, I was telling myself, "I'm getting too old for this scene!" - now I'm 33 and I'm like "Crap! My time is running out to start doing music again before I'm too old - like... 40!"

But the real reason I quit the band was more complex than that, anyway. As is the real reason I'm not currently in a band or seeking a band.

Dwarf. Killer.

Last night I dreamed of a flirtatious dwarf living on Sources near me. She looked kinda like Is0bel from Shadowrun Hong Kong. I was taking a liking to her until at one point I saw she'd just chopped a man into pieces. Yep. Girl was a serial killer. And then she started coming after me...

Summer's End

I feel I haven't had the time to really reflect on the days that have passed, I'm always looking ahead.

Since I'm out of my element when I go camping, a couple of days feels like a lot longer. This year's trip felt different than last year's. Honestly, I think I enjoyed last year more. Maybe because I attended earlier, people were more excited and energetic. People this year had been there for most of the week and by the time I joined, they were kind of lethargic. Still, I did my own thing, got some writing done on top of the whole being in nature thing.

I've been infected with a virus these last few days, coughing up a lung and all. Forced myself to be social for two days but today I finally gave in the staying in and worked.

As per usual, I didn't get as far as I would've liked. I need another 100 days likes this one. But I won't get 'em. It's nothing but work from here until Christmas, so I'll have to make due.

I'm itching to go, it's time to shadowrun in Hong Kong...

I dreamt I was going through town in a snowstorm... on a hoverboard.

Some old man yelled at me after we bumped into each other. His bicycle went flying but he stayed standing.

dream...

The day's events have muddled my memory a bit but I've been hoping to start writing down some of my dreams since they've been so unpleasant lately.

I remember the feeling of "heading back" with a group in my dream last night. As though I was with some friends or new acquaintances and we were all walking together back to someone's home. That main someone, I think, was an older woman. When we arrived there, something dawned on me. These people are child molesters. The older woman is talking over a deal with that man to let him have some "time" with the young girl inside the house.

I remember feeling digusted and powerless. I remember saying something to the effect of, "I can't be here while this is happening," - as though there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop them - and then walking away.

I remember "later" came around and the same young girl walked over to me and hugged me. She somehow knew I was the only one on her side.

I woke up feeling shaken. I don't think I've ever had a dream on such a disturbing topic before. Usually the nightmares are the usual: dreams of betrayal, death of a loved one, zombies. I have been reading some pretty disturbing articles though - stuff about the deep web and how it's a haven for child molesters. Or another one about how sex slavery is alive and well in modern America.

Plus I've been playing copious amounts of Shadowrun games (Dragonfall and now Hong Kong) and the dark settings might be creeping into my subconscious.

As for just thinking of dreams, well, they were a topic recently on Test Tube Plus - maybe I will make an effort to log them.

Goodnight

Confidence is getting a little shaken. Things have gotten extra-challenging with some changes of circumstances.

I was lucky to be one of the few at my friend's get-together last night as she unveiled to us her first video as the new singer of world-renown metal band Arch Enemy. For years she paid her dues, playing in tiny venues, taking showers at truck stops and living in a van with four guys for months on end.

But I could sense this was something she was nervous about. The press release had been made that day and she simply did not want to know how people were reacting to the news.

Because rejection is hard, even when you've become famous.

I went to see 300 Rise of an Empire tonight with my favorite Greekster. The role of Artemisia was entertainingly portrayed by Eva Green and her crazy eyes. She made the movie for me.

But there's something about this characters that makes me think. How does the traumatized little girl channel all her issues so constructively as to become a general to Xerxes' father? I guess she's so brutally efficient at what she does as to make him overlook her obvious insanity. She's like the Persian/Greek version of Steve Jobs or Jeff Bezos.

"No we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy"

And this brings me back to my current self-doubt. I feel like I need to take a more unapologetic attitude. I know what I know, and that's no small thing. And anything I don't know, I'll figure out soon enough.

Time is a blade in my side

Invited Nick to join me at a cafe downtown today so we could get constructive together while getting a change of scenery. I mostly finished up my personal page, now it's a question of setting up a server.

Also wrote in the novel and did a ton of discussing with Nick regarding certain archs - now I have a LOT to build on.

We also came up with an idea for a YouTube clip (neither of us has ever made one) - now we just need to write the script and figure out how to shoot it. ("Just need" - even though that's 98% of the work)

Because I've researched a couple of cool-sounding companies outside of Montreal, I now have certain hopes about leaving. I know I'll miss everyone terribly, but aside from enjoying Nick's temporary presence, it just feels like I'm going to stagnate if I stay here.

--

So much to do. I've got a few books to get into on various programming-related topics. I've gotta work on my websocket mmo a lot more, right now it's a shiny mess. I have writing to do, music practice I'd love to get to (but honestly probably won't), cover letters to write...

Force be with you.

"I haven't had this much fun without beer involved in a long time." - Di

Today kicked some serious ass and now I have the dominating will of a fire-breathing dragon to conquer my enemies with.

How am I supposed to sleep now with this injection of fuel?

Tell me, what is it that drives you?

What is the source of your power?

It would not be found in a single ability. You would not be able to hinge your successes simply on the way you speak, the way you code nor a perfect appearance. There is a symphony at play, a harmony between the instruments which allows the whole to succeed. You would do well to think on the parts which you play.

---

And now, back to real writing.

Angry, angry!

It's not healthy to hold on to anger but these days I have to because it's my number one motivator.

Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds. ;)  I'm just working on a second novel.

My life is challenging me right now.

My friend gives me feedback...

"I may be wrong, but what I feel about you is that you're a very intellectual person....you like new experiences and knowledge and problems, but you're also comfortable in the place you are. You like your friends, family, and relationship pretty stable while you dabble with what you want to, and let troubles mostly slide off you after they're dealt with. The biggest problem in a relationship for you is probably when you don't get laid regularly enough."

True. Well, except the laid thing. That's been good recently.

It really appears that I say things I don't mean, it's really not the case.
People misunderstand what I mean, with what I say.
There's only so much I can do.

Poetic night

It's easy to take for granted

Thinking things are solid stone

So you forget to feed it

Until all that's left are bones

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You're the snake in the grass

Now I'm dying by your poison 

Who knows what'll come to pass

And if I drain
I'll just refrain
From all this talk in vain

-----------

This one is by my friend. I don't think he even knows I still go to his old livejournal sometimes, I love it so much.

Last Arabesque

I remember the last time we danced, 

How you were clumsy and misleading, 

Your ungraceful steps were crippling.

Once you were beautiful

Once you were amazing, 

I watched you, as I broke

Away, 

You did your last Arabesque

That I would ever see,

You'll never be lonely

Though I left your clumsy body behind,

You'll never be lonely

Because they've all come, 

In legions, to dance with you, 

They don't care to know anything, 

They just came to dance,

Won't you show them your Arabesque?

You can't make progress with just ideas.

I haven't written since that turbulent time when I thought I might lose something precious to me, but I can assure you that things have worked out for the best and I've been feeling really well.

Except that my mind is a little in turbo-mode tonight, set off by a couple of things. It doesn't take much sometimes, I'm susceptible to certain things.

"If you lose track of your opponent's blade, you may soon find it ... sticking out of you. 
So remain alert at all times."

I always have this aching desire to do so many things, I don't think a lot of people feel the way I do. It's hard to explain. This week, if I focus enough, could provide me with an opportunity to do a lot. I work well once I've developed a 'system' or a plan, if you will.

I'm in one of my insane moods where I'd want to stay up all night. 

But I won't...

I'm a good girl.

"La crise est le moteur de l’action. Elle est le paradis du décideur."

I love this quote, especially as I'm going through a crisis. It translates to, 'Crisis is the motor of action. She is the paradise of the decider.' (I translated the female pronoun as-is in French because it sounds more romantic that way)

Source: http://alliancegeostrategique.org/2013/05/08/la-crise-est-normale/

This is Not Healthy.

I see the patterns so I can see the future.

---

It was almost a year ago that I slipped on my workout pants and got a chunk taken out of me by a spider that was hiding in there. Sometimes when I put on that specific pair of pants, I feel a phantom bite again.

We remember pain and the things that caused us pain as a survival mechanism but usually the memory of pain overshadows the primary experience. There's a fair bit of medicine nowadays that goes into just blunting the memory (usually by preemptive analgesia).

It happened ten months ago that I felt a pretty intense emotional pain during a particularly bad patch in my relationship - and when my partner exhibits similar behaviour again, I feel the same pain come rushing back over me but intensified by the previous occurrences.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Strong, Smart, Affectionate"

Qualities that Janet Jackson likes in a man according to the song 'Someone to Call my Lover'.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm mounting a defense against heartbreak right now.

I want to be soft, but hard.

I don't want my pain to twist me.

-----

"This world is too crappy to think that you can take it on alone." - http://youtu.be/YT8TcH-qI5I?t=4m30s

"If I gave up on us, what would I have left?" -Hank Moody, pretty much appealing to the ultimate romantic in me.

Heavenly Muse and Horoscope for your Week!

We chose to walk instead of drive in today's -40 degree weather and we were kind of giddy about it all as sometimes happens when you realize you're doing something hard for the sake of doing something hard. There's a fire in our hearts! Even asking for a ride from Dana in the end felt more like... pushing boundaries of a different kind. She's something, that girl.

I think I've pretty much accomplished as much as I will in Tyria. I've had the urge to move on all week, so I've barely been present. Some of it was short but intense and I can draw from that inspiration and emotion now. You know, once I stop faffing about and get back to that whole music-making/writing thing.

*** HOROSCOPE FOR JANUARY 24TH -  30TH ***

ARIES
Your dreams of pimping will go down in flames when your chunky peanut butter is discovered, revealing that not everything about you is smooth.

TAURUS
You will discover that sometimes it’s actually not the humidity, but the heat that’s the problem. This epiphany will make getting locked in an oven slightly more bearable.

GEMINI
Your romantic life will continue to evolve, as you come up with yet another clever line that would be useful to someone who isn't too afraid to talk to other people.

CANCER
Your lover is right. You’ll never be able to shoot her. You still have feelings for her, you never took shooting lessons, and you’re holding a carrot.

LEO
Before making demands of your employer, keep in mind that any number of monkeys would jump for a chance to do your job. So shut up and masturbate that chimp.

VIRGO
A brush with death will teach you more about God than you possibly could have imagined. It turns out that She likes long walks on the beach, reading, and hanging out.

LIBRA
You will discover religion and find your true place in life, a place that will lead you to a help wanted ad for a jizz-mopper at Sluts-R-Us.

SCORPIO
All your dreams will come true, leaving only the cold embrace of death to look forward to.

SAGITTARIUS
An encounter with a puppy will inspire you to become vegan. The puppy and its animal breatheren still hate you, though.

CAPRICORN
You will bump into Russel Crowe, who will be so impressed that he will give up his fame, money, charisma and dignity, and become just like you.

AQUARIUS
The fact that you enjoy painting sad clowns does not make you psychotic. The fact that you do so on the freeway does.

PISCES
Remember: drugs are not the answer, unless the question happens to be “How can I be cooler and more interesting? 

Putting Holes in Happiness

You invite someone out to something you like to do regularly. They almost always decline. You get pissed and start giving this person the cold shoulder. But what you don't realize is that you're inviting this person when it's always convenient for you and never convenient for them. Where's the empathy?

----

In the week that just passed I had two blasts from the past.

It was a flashback to 2007 with M. He was still as over-analytical as always. The reason I'd quit our band in the first place. I couldn't take his stressful nature. I let that kind of shit affect me too much. But I know he's been going through self-inflicted hard times. When I e-mailed and he responded with "are you free tonight?" - I figured it would be nice to reconnect. And it was.

My other friend, I've known since I was 15, in the same grouping as two of my closest friends. It means that despite my disapproval of some of his views on life, he gets as close as you can get to a Carte Blanche with me.

I was thinking of writing of the things I wish I could change in some of my friends, but instead I'll go the other route and speak of the very few people who challenge me to become better:

- Marc C. has held me to a new standard for friendship and recently given me a chance to work with him, taking a strong role of mentorship for software development.

- Jon V. was the catalyst to a whole perceptual shift that started in my early 20's. He doesn't even know how much I absorbed our conversations, his advice, I applied it to my life, I researched more of what he talked about. To this day I find him one of the most fascinating people I've ever met.

- Nick (now in China) gave me bass lessons, we played tabletop RP together, we had long discussions about what movie characters we were or deconstructed the story of our favorite RPG video games. Nick, the philosophy professor, I always did feel rather like a student as well as his Buddy. His being in China makes things hard though. While I was there, everything was fantastic. But when I'm home, our lives are separate.

Now I have to go and I think I failed to make a point in this post.

Maybe it's that if I give you the time of day, you should consider yourself special ;)

"I will deliver, you know I'm a forgiver"

And it's so Fucking Obscene, Obscene

I'm back on the musical-obsession wagon! If you didn't know, I go through cycles. I'd say my obsession for May-June was writing roleplaying scenarios for SWTOR. A year ago it was probably, I dunno, working out and getting buff. A little before that for months I obsessed over getting mad culinary skills. 

There are all things I love but I can only -really- obsess about one thing at a time, so this cycling of things happens. I never quit the other stuff entirely, I love all of the stuff I mentioned above, but it becomes less the focal point of my goals.

Guess I'm just super stoked to be going to HeavyMTL and that I've been giving my baby guitar lessons and she's really into it. If she continues with this kind of persistence, she'll be kicking my ass in no time!

I have so much to share with the world, but I feel like my ability to use the mediums I want is my bottleneck... So time to up the daily practice until I sound like Jon fucking Schaffer!