You can't make progress with just ideas.

I haven't written since that turbulent time when I thought I might lose something precious to me, but I can assure you that things have worked out for the best and I've been feeling really well.

Except that my mind is a little in turbo-mode tonight, set off by a couple of things. It doesn't take much sometimes, I'm susceptible to certain things.

"If you lose track of your opponent's blade, you may soon find it ... sticking out of you. 
So remain alert at all times."

I always have this aching desire to do so many things, I don't think a lot of people feel the way I do. It's hard to explain. This week, if I focus enough, could provide me with an opportunity to do a lot. I work well once I've developed a 'system' or a plan, if you will.

I'm in one of my insane moods where I'd want to stay up all night. 

But I won't...

I'm a good girl.

"La crise est le moteur de l’action. Elle est le paradis du décideur."

I love this quote, especially as I'm going through a crisis. It translates to, 'Crisis is the motor of action. She is the paradise of the decider.' (I translated the female pronoun as-is in French because it sounds more romantic that way)

Source: http://alliancegeostrategique.org/2013/05/08/la-crise-est-normale/

This is Not Healthy.

I see the patterns so I can see the future.

---

It was almost a year ago that I slipped on my workout pants and got a chunk taken out of me by a spider that was hiding in there. Sometimes when I put on that specific pair of pants, I feel a phantom bite again.

We remember pain and the things that caused us pain as a survival mechanism but usually the memory of pain overshadows the primary experience. There's a fair bit of medicine nowadays that goes into just blunting the memory (usually by preemptive analgesia).

It happened ten months ago that I felt a pretty intense emotional pain during a particularly bad patch in my relationship - and when my partner exhibits similar behaviour again, I feel the same pain come rushing back over me but intensified by the previous occurrences.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Strong, Smart, Affectionate"

Qualities that Janet Jackson likes in a man according to the song 'Someone to Call my Lover'.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm mounting a defense against heartbreak right now.

I want to be soft, but hard.

I don't want my pain to twist me.

-----

"This world is too crappy to think that you can take it on alone." - http://youtu.be/YT8TcH-qI5I?t=4m30s

"If I gave up on us, what would I have left?" -Hank Moody, pretty much appealing to the ultimate romantic in me.

Heavenly Muse and Horoscope for your Week!

We chose to walk instead of drive in today's -40 degree weather and we were kind of giddy about it all as sometimes happens when you realize you're doing something hard for the sake of doing something hard. There's a fire in our hearts! Even asking for a ride from Dana in the end felt more like... pushing boundaries of a different kind. She's something, that girl.

I think I've pretty much accomplished as much as I will in Tyria. I've had the urge to move on all week, so I've barely been present. Some of it was short but intense and I can draw from that inspiration and emotion now. You know, once I stop faffing about and get back to that whole music-making/writing thing.

*** HOROSCOPE FOR JANUARY 24TH -  30TH ***

ARIES
Your dreams of pimping will go down in flames when your chunky peanut butter is discovered, revealing that not everything about you is smooth.

TAURUS
You will discover that sometimes it’s actually not the humidity, but the heat that’s the problem. This epiphany will make getting locked in an oven slightly more bearable.

GEMINI
Your romantic life will continue to evolve, as you come up with yet another clever line that would be useful to someone who isn't too afraid to talk to other people.

CANCER
Your lover is right. You’ll never be able to shoot her. You still have feelings for her, you never took shooting lessons, and you’re holding a carrot.

LEO
Before making demands of your employer, keep in mind that any number of monkeys would jump for a chance to do your job. So shut up and masturbate that chimp.

VIRGO
A brush with death will teach you more about God than you possibly could have imagined. It turns out that She likes long walks on the beach, reading, and hanging out.

LIBRA
You will discover religion and find your true place in life, a place that will lead you to a help wanted ad for a jizz-mopper at Sluts-R-Us.

SCORPIO
All your dreams will come true, leaving only the cold embrace of death to look forward to.

SAGITTARIUS
An encounter with a puppy will inspire you to become vegan. The puppy and its animal breatheren still hate you, though.

CAPRICORN
You will bump into Russel Crowe, who will be so impressed that he will give up his fame, money, charisma and dignity, and become just like you.

AQUARIUS
The fact that you enjoy painting sad clowns does not make you psychotic. The fact that you do so on the freeway does.

PISCES
Remember: drugs are not the answer, unless the question happens to be “How can I be cooler and more interesting? 

Putting Holes in Happiness

You invite someone out to something you like to do regularly. They almost always decline. You get pissed and start giving this person the cold shoulder. But what you don't realize is that you're inviting this person when it's always convenient for you and never convenient for them. Where's the empathy?

----

In the week that just passed I had two blasts from the past.

It was a flashback to 2007 with M. He was still as over-analytical as always. The reason I'd quit our band in the first place. I couldn't take his stressful nature. I let that kind of shit affect me too much. But I know he's been going through self-inflicted hard times. When I e-mailed and he responded with "are you free tonight?" - I figured it would be nice to reconnect. And it was.

My other friend, I've known since I was 15, in the same grouping as two of my closest friends. It means that despite my disapproval of some of his views on life, he gets as close as you can get to a Carte Blanche with me.

I was thinking of writing of the things I wish I could change in some of my friends, but instead I'll go the other route and speak of the very few people who challenge me to become better:

- Marc C. has held me to a new standard for friendship and recently given me a chance to work with him, taking a strong role of mentorship for software development.

- Jon V. was the catalyst to a whole perceptual shift that started in my early 20's. He doesn't even know how much I absorbed our conversations, his advice, I applied it to my life, I researched more of what he talked about. To this day I find him one of the most fascinating people I've ever met.

- Nick (now in China) gave me bass lessons, we played tabletop RP together, we had long discussions about what movie characters we were or deconstructed the story of our favorite RPG video games. Nick, the philosophy professor, I always did feel rather like a student as well as his Buddy. His being in China makes things hard though. While I was there, everything was fantastic. But when I'm home, our lives are separate.

Now I have to go and I think I failed to make a point in this post.

Maybe it's that if I give you the time of day, you should consider yourself special ;)

"I will deliver, you know I'm a forgiver"

And it's so Fucking Obscene, Obscene

I'm back on the musical-obsession wagon! If you didn't know, I go through cycles. I'd say my obsession for May-June was writing roleplaying scenarios for SWTOR. A year ago it was probably, I dunno, working out and getting buff. A little before that for months I obsessed over getting mad culinary skills. 

There are all things I love but I can only -really- obsess about one thing at a time, so this cycling of things happens. I never quit the other stuff entirely, I love all of the stuff I mentioned above, but it becomes less the focal point of my goals.

Guess I'm just super stoked to be going to HeavyMTL and that I've been giving my baby guitar lessons and she's really into it. If she continues with this kind of persistence, she'll be kicking my ass in no time!

I have so much to share with the world, but I feel like my ability to use the mediums I want is my bottleneck... So time to up the daily practice until I sound like Jon fucking Schaffer!