Putting Holes in Happiness

You invite someone out to something you like to do regularly. They almost always decline. You get pissed and start giving this person the cold shoulder. But what you don't realize is that you're inviting this person when it's always convenient for you and never convenient for them. Where's the empathy?

----

In the week that just passed I had two blasts from the past.

It was a flashback to 2007 with M. He was still as over-analytical as always. The reason I'd quit our band in the first place. I couldn't take his stressful nature. I let that kind of shit affect me too much. But I know he's been going through self-inflicted hard times. When I e-mailed and he responded with "are you free tonight?" - I figured it would be nice to reconnect. And it was.

My other friend, I've known since I was 15, in the same grouping as two of my closest friends. It means that despite my disapproval of some of his views on life, he gets as close as you can get to a Carte Blanche with me.

I was thinking of writing of the things I wish I could change in some of my friends, but instead I'll go the other route and speak of the very few people who challenge me to become better:

- Marc C. has held me to a new standard for friendship and recently given me a chance to work with him, taking a strong role of mentorship for software development.

- Jon V. was the catalyst to a whole perceptual shift that started in my early 20's. He doesn't even know how much I absorbed our conversations, his advice, I applied it to my life, I researched more of what he talked about. To this day I find him one of the most fascinating people I've ever met.

- Nick (now in China) gave me bass lessons, we played tabletop RP together, we had long discussions about what movie characters we were or deconstructed the story of our favorite RPG video games. Nick, the philosophy professor, I always did feel rather like a student as well as his Buddy. His being in China makes things hard though. While I was there, everything was fantastic. But when I'm home, our lives are separate.

Now I have to go and I think I failed to make a point in this post.

Maybe it's that if I give you the time of day, you should consider yourself special ;)

"I will deliver, you know I'm a forgiver"

And it's so Fucking Obscene, Obscene

I'm back on the musical-obsession wagon! If you didn't know, I go through cycles. I'd say my obsession for May-June was writing roleplaying scenarios for SWTOR. A year ago it was probably, I dunno, working out and getting buff. A little before that for months I obsessed over getting mad culinary skills. 

There are all things I love but I can only -really- obsess about one thing at a time, so this cycling of things happens. I never quit the other stuff entirely, I love all of the stuff I mentioned above, but it becomes less the focal point of my goals.

Guess I'm just super stoked to be going to HeavyMTL and that I've been giving my baby guitar lessons and she's really into it. If she continues with this kind of persistence, she'll be kicking my ass in no time!

I have so much to share with the world, but I feel like my ability to use the mediums I want is my bottleneck... So time to up the daily practice until I sound like Jon fucking Schaffer!

3 Awesomes today

First:
(5:48:07 PM) Sereena Hall: Oh I also meant to tell you I think you're fucking awesome.

Then:

(1:03:55 AM) leolani: you are awesome
(1:03:59 AM) Mia: Shut up!
(1:04:02 AM) Mia: haha
(1:04:03 AM) leolani: you are

And now:
Robert:  pssst you're simply awesome -.^


-

How did this happen? I'm really not entirely sure I did much to deserve it.

"I love you, not as a friend and not as a lover. I love you as a Mia. Seriously, when I categorize the people I know you're in your own separate category. You truly are unlike anyone I have ever known."

People Equal ???

Let me preface this by:

This is an observation, not a criticism.

When you leave your computer unlocked where I work, you risk someone going on your machine and e-mailing the department saying you'll be buying Timbits in the morning. This happened to me yesterday.

But we've been getting Timbits weekly, sometimes several times a week, and so I decided to bake some mini cupcakes instead.

I arrived with exactly 31 cupcakes (after giving some to family members), and 12 full-sized doughnuts, for a total of 43 items.

I got roughly about 10 thank yous. That's a 25% thank you to consumption ratio.

That seems low to me, probably because I'm big on thank yous. But I don't wanna write people off as just being jerks, though that might be the case in some people. I guess some are shy, others just busy and forgetful, some just figure it's not a big enough thing to warrant a thank you, etc.

The longer I live, the more I experience a rainbow of personalities. And I'm often left feeling like "man, I just don't -get- people!"

But I keep trying.

Think hard, think long, of your current circumstances.

Are you the cause of them?

...

Please, have some courtesy, have some sympathy, and some taste.

Here's a little something useless you may not know about me. I have a hard time not drinking my coffee too fast. I want to sit and enjoy it over a long period of time but part of my brain sees it as an unfinished task and works to complete it.

---

You ever feel like people aren't listening to you when you're talking?
Don't get pissed, they might be doing you a huge favor without either of you knowing it.

Because you're a babbling moron.


I know this from personal experience.

It's a hard thing, to fall. Harder yet is to fall from so far.

As you would pass judgment on me, I have come to pass judgment on you all.

---

"Perhaps you were expecting some surprise, for me to reveal a secret that had eluded you, something that would change your perspective of events, shatter you to your core. There is no great revelation, no great secret. There is only you." -Kreia

Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes!

I'm in a real good mood today. I don't know. Maybe it's the sunshine, the fact I've been eating well, sleeping enough. The fact I'm being pretty productive. The fact that I'm going on a wild adventure in a month. Maybe I'm choosing to be positive because I feel like I've been a downer lately and I don't want it affecting those close to me.

Seems I should blog while I'm happy so you can see what it's like, but truth is I don't have much to talk about right now. Lots of work to do!

So what else is new?

Things I am doing today:
- Kicking myself for being an idiot lately
- Getting anxious over some things I'd like to change in my personal life
- Trying not to think too far ahead in terms of life changes
- Thinking of my upcoming trip to Asia only in positive terms

It's still amazing to me how everything is information. I don't have enough information. And I don't know how to use all the information I get.



Neither do you, by the way.

You can do whatever you want in your tiny sphere of influence.
Of course you can't quite yet move mountains, but you can do
plenty already. My sphere is small, but I exercise my control over
it like a tyrannical dragon.

I don't have to talk to anyone I don't want to.
Don't have to see 'em neither.

I was never good at obeying the bizarre unwritten rules.

The Particles Know I'm Watching

Uranium decays over time in a process that's called nuclear decay. Unless you're watching it, that is. Then it defies the laws of physics and seems to stand still.

Anxiety's keeping me up again tonight. It's the kind of anxiety where you want to do so much but you know it's just not fucking possible to do it all. I want to build a fantastic success scenario at work and I want to make amazing designs and prototypes for the Mobile stuff (which we have no time/resources allocated to within the workday). I want to work out and reach another level of fitness. I want to write my novel. I want to practice my guitar playing and learn some songs, and I want to learn how to do decent recordings on Cubase. I want to learn how to make videos, editing and adding graphics. And I want to spend quality time with my love and do things together.

There are just nowhere near enough hours in the week, no matter how I try to crunch it. Even when I'm up until 2am like I am now, my brain's just not that functional for that long.

Frustration!

You Will Become Clever Through Your Mistakes (German proverb)

*Work ↑
*Training ↑
*Diet -
*Creativity ↓↓
*Gaming ↓

Maintaining motivation on many fronts is exhausting, especially if that front needs to be 100% of the time not to fail (I'm looking at you, slippery slope of nutrition! I let my guard down once last night and fucked my otherwise fabulous week).

I've been utilizing a lot of visualization tricks lately to keep me in the zone. It doesn't usually encompass all areas, some things are easier to imagine yourself being an unstoppable force at, but it helps anyway. I've been reading about the powers of mind over matter and think it could do me some good to be more positive.

---

A note on "The Productive Zone"

I'm reading an excerpt of The Talent Code as I try to determine whether this would be a good, applicable read for me. So far it's about how talented people tap into a neurological mechanism in which certain patterns of targeted practice build skill. Without realizing it they enter a zone of accelerated learning that can be accessed by those who know how. That's the talent code. I feel like I've touched on that in the past while studying but in the book they're talking more about things that require motor skills. I'm sure it's a decent read but I don't think it's quite what I'm looking for, as I don't have a serious skill with a goal that requires a lot of practice (sure I'd like to be a better guitar player, but it's not up there on the list of priorities). What my goals require is a lot of learning.

Taking it Back to a Hardcore Level

Here are some of the things I'm up to these days:

- Working: leave my house at 8am, get home at 6:30pm. I haven't been getting much out of my work except money. Bug fixing is not conducive to personal growth. This takes up the biggest chunk of my time.
- Exercise: I've been lazying on the weight-lifting front, opting instead to stay in during evenings. I still get some walk/cardio time during the day. Now that its been a good two weeks, I'm starting to feel the need to start going evenings again, as draining as it is.
- Creative writing: I've been mapping out the storyarchs and characters of my novel. I find that writing overalls and concept is much easier than actually writing the thing. I'm still on the first chapter, even if I have a pretty clear idea of how the whole story will go. Also I can't write in the evening, my brain is too tired, so I'm limited to on-the-train.
- Making music: I gave up at trying to figure it out on my own and enlisted my coworker Vac to teach me how to use Cubase to record and to program music. My first goal will be to record my own version of Ocean Soul, since it's the song I know best. Not sure where to fit in time for this.
- Video editing: I finally got a copy of my trainer Krystle's video and I need to find some online tutorials on how I might go about creating an intro and including some graphics. I hope to do this on one of my upcoming Fridays off.
- Drawing: I shouldn't even put this in the list, because it's so low in priority. I just wish I could do 1 photoshop drawing of Tania.
- Roleplayinging: Roleplaying while playing SWTOR. It's a double-edged sword. On one hand, I feel like it just makes me a happier person, like it enhances my drive and creativity. On the other hand it's such a time-sink that it takes time away from other goals.