Wendy says:
THANK YOU FOR THE CHOCOLATES OMG you are the spirit of christmas personified!1!
<3. Now sleep.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
A control freak.
I've got neatly separated social groups. It's how I like things: compartmentalized. It's pretty rare that I've let things get mixed, because you never know what will happen. I was considering inviting Jess to the Solstice tradition event next Saturday, but then I got this nagging feeling of, 'This may yield unpredictable results' and decided to just close the invite window.
When predictability influences your choices, doesn't that make you a control freak? The term 'Risk Averse' comes to mind, but it's not quite right. There are no Risk Premiums for these kinds of things.
When predictability influences your choices, doesn't that make you a control freak? The term 'Risk Averse' comes to mind, but it's not quite right. There are no Risk Premiums for these kinds of things.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Friends.
Lt. Mia says:
Ugh, Jess, should I just quit being in a band already? I feel like I've got too many things and not enough time
Jess says:
no!
its like 30% of your sex apeal
---------
[Anne, who had a car crash, asking me if I can hang out with her during the holidays]
Anne says:
grrrrrrrrr
Anne says:
I almost died!
Anne says:
I deserve some Mia attention
Ugh, Jess, should I just quit being in a band already? I feel like I've got too many things and not enough time
Jess says:
no!
its like 30% of your sex apeal
---------
[Anne, who had a car crash, asking me if I can hang out with her during the holidays]
Anne says:
grrrrrrrrr
Anne says:
I almost died!
Anne says:
I deserve some Mia attention
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Accident / a Heart not Captured
It's hard not to take it personally when this sort of shit happens.
You're thinking to yourself, "Finally, things are going my way," and that's when it hits. A major roadblock. Or in this case, a major car crash. Broken ribs, punctured lung, but at least he'll be okay, eventually. That is what's important. But it doesn't change the fact that a singer can't sing for a long time after a punctured lung, and the entire reason I left my baby, my project behind, was so that I could join a band that was complete, that was ready to start playing live and recording. What I'll be getting instead now is rent I can't afford and an incomplete lineup (again). I can't help it, really, after everything that's happened in the last 3 years, but to feel like this is personal. The universe conspires against me.
---------
So many times I've wanted to apologize to people and say, "I'm terribly sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm very sorry that I'm not in love with you."
I'm feeling guilty these days in particular for getting spoiled. I've made my feelings and intentions clear, I can only hope there's no clinging to false hope going on.
I have to be careful of the lines I cross.
You're thinking to yourself, "Finally, things are going my way," and that's when it hits. A major roadblock. Or in this case, a major car crash. Broken ribs, punctured lung, but at least he'll be okay, eventually. That is what's important. But it doesn't change the fact that a singer can't sing for a long time after a punctured lung, and the entire reason I left my baby, my project behind, was so that I could join a band that was complete, that was ready to start playing live and recording. What I'll be getting instead now is rent I can't afford and an incomplete lineup (again). I can't help it, really, after everything that's happened in the last 3 years, but to feel like this is personal. The universe conspires against me.
---------
So many times I've wanted to apologize to people and say, "I'm terribly sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm very sorry that I'm not in love with you."
I'm feeling guilty these days in particular for getting spoiled. I've made my feelings and intentions clear, I can only hope there's no clinging to false hope going on.
I have to be careful of the lines I cross.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Killing Zombies, the Ties that Bind
It's my main girl Iza's 27th birthday on Saturday, which I was this close to forgetting seeing as I had made dinner date plans with Ted. I really have to drill this date into my head, November 29, after 6 years of friendship I owe her at least that much.
Iza kicks ass because unlike most girls, she likes the same things I do: video games, zombies, horror flicks, etc. She's got the same wild imagination. And she's a great cook and makes me food!
In a couple of weeks, when this semester ends, we're planning to have a sleepover while playing Left4Dead and Silent Hill all night, then celebrate surviving (or not) the night with crêpes for brunch.
I was thinking of making a video out of the whole experience, but then again, I don't think this is the kind of thing that's very exciting to look at from the outside.
Iza kicks ass because unlike most girls, she likes the same things I do: video games, zombies, horror flicks, etc. She's got the same wild imagination. And she's a great cook and makes me food!
In a couple of weeks, when this semester ends, we're planning to have a sleepover while playing Left4Dead and Silent Hill all night, then celebrate surviving (or not) the night with crêpes for brunch.
I was thinking of making a video out of the whole experience, but then again, I don't think this is the kind of thing that's very exciting to look at from the outside.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I know my Uses, I have my Pride, but my Heart is still Untamed
As I'm nursing my broken heart and tarnished pride I'm reminded that I've been doing onto others exactly what's being done onto me.
The one I want doesn't want me, and the ones who want me, well....
X says:
because you are ALWAYS turning me down
X says:
you're like the carrot on a string
X says:
alluring, beautiful and undoubledly delicious
Mia says:
so I'm a masochist AND a sadist? this is disturbing news.
X says:
but ultimatly unobtainable
The end of semester stress, the cold and dark weather, it's all contributing to the intensity of how I feel. In 3 weeks, when I'm on vacation, I think I'm going to blow off a shitload of steam.
The one I want doesn't want me, and the ones who want me, well....
X says:
because you are ALWAYS turning me down
X says:
you're like the carrot on a string
X says:
alluring, beautiful and undoubledly delicious
Mia says:
so I'm a masochist AND a sadist? this is disturbing news.
X says:
but ultimatly unobtainable
The end of semester stress, the cold and dark weather, it's all contributing to the intensity of how I feel. In 3 weeks, when I'm on vacation, I think I'm going to blow off a shitload of steam.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Obsession and Variations
I haven't had a huge programming project since last spring, so I had forgotten the obsession that takes over me when I delve deep into one. From the time I've poured myself my morning coffee to late at night when I realize I've pushed back my bedtime by a couple of hours, I program almost non-stop. I don't want to stop. There's always more to do. More functions to add, or existing functions to embellish. I've skipped some classes, and some meals, and it's strange to see that, for once, I have to force myself to go to the gym (I tell myself it'll refresh my brain for more programming, anyway).
We're in a team of 4 people for this project but so far I'm the only person who has done any work. Early on I tried to get the other members to choose from a list of tasks, when I didn't get any responses I asked one of them what was up, and all he said to me was, "I don't think the other 2 are going to do much work."
If that's the way it has to be, then that's the way it is. I much prefer do it all by myself than rely on lazy people who will do a shitty job. What irritates me is that they might benefit from my work, because I've always found it impossible to report free-riders.
As a benefit to me, while I'm working on this, all my other 'problems' have pretty much ceased to exist. Nothing is as important as what I am working on right now. But that kind of focus does make it hard to sleep without dreaming of algorithms. Last night I resorted to a Neuro-Linguistic Programming exercise found on resetyourbrain.com, something a friend of mine had told me about a few weeks ago when I told him my brain often has a hard time relaxing.
I'm getting restless as I write all this. I have to finish building a 3d robot, setting triggers, finalizing combat, then implementing items. That's the goal for today.
We're in a team of 4 people for this project but so far I'm the only person who has done any work. Early on I tried to get the other members to choose from a list of tasks, when I didn't get any responses I asked one of them what was up, and all he said to me was, "I don't think the other 2 are going to do much work."
If that's the way it has to be, then that's the way it is. I much prefer do it all by myself than rely on lazy people who will do a shitty job. What irritates me is that they might benefit from my work, because I've always found it impossible to report free-riders.
As a benefit to me, while I'm working on this, all my other 'problems' have pretty much ceased to exist. Nothing is as important as what I am working on right now. But that kind of focus does make it hard to sleep without dreaming of algorithms. Last night I resorted to a Neuro-Linguistic Programming exercise found on resetyourbrain.com, something a friend of mine had told me about a few weeks ago when I told him my brain often has a hard time relaxing.
I'm getting restless as I write all this. I have to finish building a 3d robot, setting triggers, finalizing combat, then implementing items. That's the goal for today.
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