The Rapture

I can't believe how much my life has changed / is changing. I also can't believe how I'm falling into the same patterns as most other people...

I've made it a year at my job and four months in my relationship. Steady she goes!

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It's not abnormal for me to walk around, my mind completely wrapped up in some fantasy-delusion. I can be walking down the street all the while imagining a zombie apocalypse has hit and I'm just gonna have to fight my way home. I can be running sprints at the gym and I imagine I'm doing military training for the Emperium's army.

What the fuck?... Or why the fuck not.

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I've been freaking the fuck out a little because of this whole 'being in love thing'. This is on top of the freaking out caused by the whole 'I'm an adult now with an adult job', which is mitigated somewhat by the 'I still live at home with my parents so I can avoid the responsibility of having bills in case I ever wanna up and quit my job and change my name to Natalya and up and move to Australia'.

I keep telling myself not to over-think it, not to analyze all the various scenarios of how this might go wrong. But what if prevention is key? In all other kinds of scenarios, being aware of potential problems is important. Yet somehow in the case of love, thinking about it going wrong just sets off all kinds of negative emotions.

Even though I'm nowhere near there yet, both my professional life and love life have me fearing getting stuck in some old, boring routines.

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My ideal relationship:

I need someone who respect my boundaries. She'd know that I probably wouldn't want to see her 10 seperate times per week. She'd have her own life independent of mine (she'd be very, very independent, actually) , and while we would make efforts to see each other, we wouldn't re-arrage our lives around each other. She'd be ecstatic that I want time alone for gaming, working out, reading or just doing my own thing; that way, she'd have time to do what SHE likes to do. She'd have her own friends and would feel confident with them; I'd be her lover, we'd have something deep and very meaningful.

Me and Fantasy Girl would help each other grow. We wouldn't meld together; like trees planted side by side, we'd both grow closer to each other as well as grow away. I'd love her as she is and yet be amazed that she continues to grow on her own. I'd be even more in awe because I'd realize that as she lives her life, there will be even more of her for me to love.

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That little bit above, that was actually written years ago.

And now, I gotta bounce.