Blue Sky, Black Death

"If you think about it, it's not easy to keep from just wandering out of life. It's like someone's always leaving the door open to the next world. If you aren't paying attention you can just walk through it and then you die."

Blah blee blah

Sabotage often comes from rethinking your decisions. You're not fully committed in those instances where you open yourself up to negotiation.

Make a decision and stick with it, then you don't have to deal with the bullshit of being torn between doing one thing or the other.

From the mouths of Dis.

If you (barely) knew Di like I do (she's a tough chick, operates a sniper rifle), you'd be touched, too. (And I'll admit, taken by surprise!)


Mia:
I have an eidetic memory.
..
No I don't. But hey I'd just watched that episode.

Diana:
It would have been unfair to the rest of us if you'd had an eidetic memory. A single person should not have musical talent, beauty, good taste in fiction AND an eidetic memory!

Everything has a Price / Everything has a Place

I'm feeling more Zen these days, more okay with the untenable nature of what I currently have.

This is not for the faint of Heart

There's a blanket of euphoria wrapping all around me today. From the most important things, like being in love, to the small things, like preparing for work's pumpkin carving contest... everything feels enchanting.

Upcoming stuff:
-I'll be seeing Nick on November 13th when he comes home from China for the first time in almost 3 years
-Halloween party, whether or not I can get everyone on board, it'll be grand

I've been experimenting in the kitchen this weekend. From blogger "Kirsten's Kitchen", I've made the vegan pumpkin lasagna, the sweet potato and red pepper soup, and some burned veggie pâté (got a little side-tracked with my baby, didn't hear the ringer).

Fun, but my creative hunger is still giving me a pounding ache.

I finally have a tangible idea for a painting, but I need to get started asap because it's a fall-season theme.

So much I want to do. So little time.

Anyway, back to work.


"We're the fast and elite
The young and the vigorous"

The Rapture

I can't believe how much my life has changed / is changing. I also can't believe how I'm falling into the same patterns as most other people...

I've made it a year at my job and four months in my relationship. Steady she goes!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's not abnormal for me to walk around, my mind completely wrapped up in some fantasy-delusion. I can be walking down the street all the while imagining a zombie apocalypse has hit and I'm just gonna have to fight my way home. I can be running sprints at the gym and I imagine I'm doing military training for the Emperium's army.

What the fuck?... Or why the fuck not.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been freaking the fuck out a little because of this whole 'being in love thing'. This is on top of the freaking out caused by the whole 'I'm an adult now with an adult job', which is mitigated somewhat by the 'I still live at home with my parents so I can avoid the responsibility of having bills in case I ever wanna up and quit my job and change my name to Natalya and up and move to Australia'.

I keep telling myself not to over-think it, not to analyze all the various scenarios of how this might go wrong. But what if prevention is key? In all other kinds of scenarios, being aware of potential problems is important. Yet somehow in the case of love, thinking about it going wrong just sets off all kinds of negative emotions.

Even though I'm nowhere near there yet, both my professional life and love life have me fearing getting stuck in some old, boring routines.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My ideal relationship:

I need someone who respect my boundaries. She'd know that I probably wouldn't want to see her 10 seperate times per week. She'd have her own life independent of mine (she'd be very, very independent, actually) , and while we would make efforts to see each other, we wouldn't re-arrage our lives around each other. She'd be ecstatic that I want time alone for gaming, working out, reading or just doing my own thing; that way, she'd have time to do what SHE likes to do. She'd have her own friends and would feel confident with them; I'd be her lover, we'd have something deep and very meaningful.

Me and Fantasy Girl would help each other grow. We wouldn't meld together; like trees planted side by side, we'd both grow closer to each other as well as grow away. I'd love her as she is and yet be amazed that she continues to grow on her own. I'd be even more in awe because I'd realize that as she lives her life, there will be even more of her for me to love.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That little bit above, that was actually written years ago.

And now, I gotta bounce.

Update!

Been a while since I did one of those "quoting something nice someone said to me", so here's today's:

Mia says:
your ability to appreciate the kind of thing like Bill Bryson is why I like you
Alissa says:
hahaha now I just need a male version of you

That April thing I'm going to...

www.sialcanada.com

Wait, should I be updating, too? Its been so long.

Well, I'm alive. That'll have to do for now.