Remeniscence

I keep having these thoughts about what I should write down in a blog, usually in terms of where I was then in comparison to where I am now, but it's never at an opportune moment.

In August in realized it had been 2 years since I started writing my story, a novel at the time, now the basis for a game - because I certainly know how to take the impossible up a notch!

In July I realized it had been 10 years since I started playing WoW, which sounds stupid to the layman of gaming, but really affected my life for a couple of years. Additionally, that was the approximate time of my first big relationship's end. But I think about WoW more than I think about that relationship, so... ok, let's not over-analyze this.

Now it's my 2 year anniversary of going to visit Paris for a couple of weeks to see my sister. Lots of time spent alone (she was working) seeing beautiful places which ignited the imagination. I was also trying to tackle a second novel, a second story, which a couple months later I realized was just meandering. Still, in the back of my head, I'm always reworking that story. I miss Paris a ton, though. 

When I think of my fitness goals, I like to think my body composition has improved a lot over the last 2+ years of following my trainer friend's advice. My number on the scale might've been lower last year - it came up this year when I bulked for several months - but I think I might be just as lean but with additional muscle.

Which is good cause I want them shoulders:

I don't do cross-fit but... Camille gives a good goal.

Being 32, going on 33, it's funny. When I was 27 and in a band, I was telling myself, "I'm getting too old for this scene!" - now I'm 33 and I'm like "Crap! My time is running out to start doing music again before I'm too old - like... 40!"

But the real reason I quit the band was more complex than that, anyway. As is the real reason I'm not currently in a band or seeking a band.

Dwarf. Killer.

Last night I dreamed of a flirtatious dwarf living on Sources near me. She looked kinda like Is0bel from Shadowrun Hong Kong. I was taking a liking to her until at one point I saw she'd just chopped a man into pieces. Yep. Girl was a serial killer. And then she started coming after me...

Summer's End

I feel I haven't had the time to really reflect on the days that have passed, I'm always looking ahead.

Since I'm out of my element when I go camping, a couple of days feels like a lot longer. This year's trip felt different than last year's. Honestly, I think I enjoyed last year more. Maybe because I attended earlier, people were more excited and energetic. People this year had been there for most of the week and by the time I joined, they were kind of lethargic. Still, I did my own thing, got some writing done on top of the whole being in nature thing.

I've been infected with a virus these last few days, coughing up a lung and all. Forced myself to be social for two days but today I finally gave in the staying in and worked.

As per usual, I didn't get as far as I would've liked. I need another 100 days likes this one. But I won't get 'em. It's nothing but work from here until Christmas, so I'll have to make due.

I'm itching to go, it's time to shadowrun in Hong Kong...

I dreamt I was going through town in a snowstorm... on a hoverboard.

Some old man yelled at me after we bumped into each other. His bicycle went flying but he stayed standing.

dream...

The day's events have muddled my memory a bit but I've been hoping to start writing down some of my dreams since they've been so unpleasant lately.

I remember the feeling of "heading back" with a group in my dream last night. As though I was with some friends or new acquaintances and we were all walking together back to someone's home. That main someone, I think, was an older woman. When we arrived there, something dawned on me. These people are child molesters. The older woman is talking over a deal with that man to let him have some "time" with the young girl inside the house.

I remember feeling digusted and powerless. I remember saying something to the effect of, "I can't be here while this is happening," - as though there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop them - and then walking away.

I remember "later" came around and the same young girl walked over to me and hugged me. She somehow knew I was the only one on her side.

I woke up feeling shaken. I don't think I've ever had a dream on such a disturbing topic before. Usually the nightmares are the usual: dreams of betrayal, death of a loved one, zombies. I have been reading some pretty disturbing articles though - stuff about the deep web and how it's a haven for child molesters. Or another one about how sex slavery is alive and well in modern America.

Plus I've been playing copious amounts of Shadowrun games (Dragonfall and now Hong Kong) and the dark settings might be creeping into my subconscious.

As for just thinking of dreams, well, they were a topic recently on Test Tube Plus - maybe I will make an effort to log them.

Goodnight

Confidence is getting a little shaken. Things have gotten extra-challenging with some changes of circumstances.

I was lucky to be one of the few at my friend's get-together last night as she unveiled to us her first video as the new singer of world-renown metal band Arch Enemy. For years she paid her dues, playing in tiny venues, taking showers at truck stops and living in a van with four guys for months on end.

But I could sense this was something she was nervous about. The press release had been made that day and she simply did not want to know how people were reacting to the news.

Because rejection is hard, even when you've become famous.

I went to see 300 Rise of an Empire tonight with my favorite Greekster. The role of Artemisia was entertainingly portrayed by Eva Green and her crazy eyes. She made the movie for me.

But there's something about this characters that makes me think. How does the traumatized little girl channel all her issues so constructively as to become a general to Xerxes' father? I guess she's so brutally efficient at what she does as to make him overlook her obvious insanity. She's like the Persian/Greek version of Steve Jobs or Jeff Bezos.

"No we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy"

And this brings me back to my current self-doubt. I feel like I need to take a more unapologetic attitude. I know what I know, and that's no small thing. And anything I don't know, I'll figure out soon enough.

Time is a blade in my side

Invited Nick to join me at a cafe downtown today so we could get constructive together while getting a change of scenery. I mostly finished up my personal page, now it's a question of setting up a server.

Also wrote in the novel and did a ton of discussing with Nick regarding certain archs - now I have a LOT to build on.

We also came up with an idea for a YouTube clip (neither of us has ever made one) - now we just need to write the script and figure out how to shoot it. ("Just need" - even though that's 98% of the work)

Because I've researched a couple of cool-sounding companies outside of Montreal, I now have certain hopes about leaving. I know I'll miss everyone terribly, but aside from enjoying Nick's temporary presence, it just feels like I'm going to stagnate if I stay here.

--

So much to do. I've got a few books to get into on various programming-related topics. I've gotta work on my websocket mmo a lot more, right now it's a shiny mess. I have writing to do, music practice I'd love to get to (but honestly probably won't), cover letters to write...

Force be with you.